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Supreme Being
Group: M-TEC Student
Last Login: 7/15/2010 11:31:37 AM
Posts: 148,
Visits: 635
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How do you handle family/friends/coworkers/etc questions about life choices? Some background on the situation is that my husband volunteered for a 1 year IA in Afghanistan, and I don't have a desire to return home to Wisconsin (currently live in California). He feels this is something he needs to do for numerous reasons, and I fully support his decision. I'm staying in California with my 2 dogs, there are no family members out here. I've been much happier since being distant from my family and have developed healthy long-distance relationships with my parents and 3 siblings (out of 7). I know others feel I should want to be near family, but this is better for me. I'm not close with any inlaws either. My lifestyle choices (not drinking/smoking, avid adventurer) just don't mesh well back "home."
I'm bombarded with questions like:
How could you let him go over there?
Won't you be miserable without him?
So you're going home then, right?
Why aren't you coming home for thanksgiving/christmas?
I know about the war going on, I'll always miss him but he isn't my whole life, no wish to ever live in WI again and no, I only want to visit every other year. *sigh* Advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading!
Lacy
Working on final test in basic section!
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Forum Guru
Group: M-TEC Student
Last Login: 7/24/2010 12:56:04 PM
Posts: 52,
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I am not a seabee wife, but I understand your situation. My husband travels a lot for work (only for a week at a time at the most), but even when he goes for that long my dad wants to ship my mom over for the week!
Unfortunately, my only advice would be to just do your own thing, what is right for you, and don't even try to explain yourself to your family. LOL. You don't need to and they shouldn't expect an explanation. A simple answer of "this is where I'm happy and this is where my life is" should be enough. If anyone wants to get upset, that's not fair to you and hopefully they will get over it on their own. You aren't doing anything wrong, so definitely don't let anyone make you feel like you are.
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Forum Newbie
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: 7/26/2009 5:19:05 PM
Posts: 5,
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| I'm a Marine wife so I totally understand. My husband was gone for a year (Iraq) while we were living in CA. I had children in school so moving back home (to FL) was not an option. It was tough at first, but turned out to be a great year for all of us. Kids were happy staying in the same school, keeping friends, etc. My neighbors were a tremendous support system, as was my family, albeit from long distance. You have to do what's right for you and your husband. I'm sure your family and friends are not trying to be inconsiderate, they just worry about him being gone and you being alone. Hang tough, Beth
Thanks,
Beth
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Junior Member
Group: M-TEC Student
Last Login: 7/25/2010 4:49:32 AM
Posts: 20,
Visits: 67
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| Hi there, I am an Army wife. Unfortunately, in the 12 years we have served my dh has never had the opportunity to "volunteer" for a deployment, but we have made it through 6 nonetheless. for the first 3 I had young children and moved home, but as the kids got older, and 12 months looked like a shorter and shorter amount of time, I stayed where we were stationed. I found that time went on, and the world spun 'round and all that jazz, when I wasn't waiting on him. And when your surrounded by people waiting with you the time ticks by slowly. As far as the answering of the questions, they just need to know that you are doing what is right for you and your husband. You are the one's who matter, and the rest are just "extended". I pray for your dh's safe and quick return!!
 I Love my MP!!
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Forum Newbie
Group: M-TEC Student
Last Login: 3/2/2010 4:52:12 PM
Posts: 6,
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| Hi! I'm sorry that your family is having such a hard time accepting your decisions. I know they are probably very upset that you don't want to go back home but they will eventually come to realize that you are a grown woman and can make your own choices. Just let them know that you have created a life where you're at and don't feel the need to pack your bags just because your husband is packing his. I understand how you feel. My husband is in the Navy also and will be going on his second deployment next year. My plan is to stay here in California with my two young kids while he's gone. Most people think i'm crazy to stay because I have no other family around either. Good Luck with everything! I hope things get better for you. -Melissa 
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Forum Member
Group: M-TEC Student
Last Login: 3/11/2010 11:05:15 AM
Posts: 25,
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| I feel you! I don't know if I have any good advice, but I have been there. My husband volunteered awhile back for a year, and it was very difficult for his family to understand. I supported him 100%. I know that there are several wives that "move" back with their family during these times. They are the ones that have very supportive parents. I love my family and my husband's, but there is no way I could cope living with either. I have done both. I would rather them be bothered at me not coming to them then lose what small amount of sanity that I have left. I think you can only explain politely that you would rather be there and then just drop the subject. They will probably bring it up many times, but the less that you address it then the less they keep asking. A year is a long time. You can tell them that it doesn't mean you won't visit. maybe lol. To women like you.....much respect!
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Supreme Being
Group: M-TEC Student
Last Login: 3/24/2010 11:34:18 AM
Posts: 89,
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My husband is Navy and I've been in a very similar situation. I try (often while clenching my jaw) to be 1)honest and 2) as vague as possible. When I get the question about when we'll be moving back to Michigan I look into space and say something like, "well, J. has another 10 years before he'll be able to retire so it won't be anytime soon." When I get the questions about visiting every holiday or for week(s) in the summer I say something like, "well, during the last 8 months J. has only been home for a total of 6 weeks so he is really looking forward to spending a relaxing, quiet holiday at home. We would love for you to come out and visit us though." To which they usually talk about how expensive it would be to visit, oblivious to the fact that it is just as expensive for us to travel.
I have pretty strong feelings about people asking those kinds of questions, and I've been able to deal with them with less emotion if I have a plan to deflect or deflate the inquiry. I've also found that living OCONUS makes all those questions evaporate.
~Janice~
member AHDI and OA-AHDI
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Supreme Being
Group: M-TEC Student
Last Login: 7/15/2010 11:31:37 AM
Posts: 148,
Visits: 635
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Thanks everyone so much for expressing what you go through. I don't have any friends who are military wives (weird, I know), so I don't really know what normal family concerns are vs. just my family being overly concerned (in my opinion).
I left my husband to deal with telling his mother about the IA, and I could hear her chew him out on the phone from across the room. Glad I didn't make that call!
Lacy
Working on final test in basic section!
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